Image
Blog
How to Have a Shameless Lent
Want to experience less shame and more self-compassion this Lent? Talk to yourself like a fierce friend would.
Trends in Ministry Flourishing
Shame is a barrier to healthy ministry.
The world is weary with death. Death in the news. Death in our families. The little deaths of daily life that threaten to bury us in despair. We need to bear witness to “little resurrections,” too, if we hope to hang on and rise up for each other.
Today marks the start of Lent, a 40-day liturgical season in the Christian tradition that leads up to Easter, in which we walk toward death with Jesus to pause, reflect on, and repent of (or, more simply, to turn away from) what’s keeping us from a resurrected life—and effective ministry.
Historically, Lent is a time of earnest self-examination—not navel gazing!—where we seek to (re)align ourselves with our Christian vocation: to love and serve the weary world. However, too often this season of self-examination can be co-opted by a season of self-critique.
That’s why this Lent we’re focusing our Serve Well newsletter on shame: that sneaky barrier to healthy ministry.
- A senior pastor gives feedback to an associate after a sensitive sermon; instead of creating an opportunity for shared curiosity, shame protects against the possibility of growth: Nothing I do is ever good enough.
- A cohort of clergy colleagues gathers to share their ministry trials and triumphs; instead of creating an opportunity for shared vulnerability, shame protects against the possibility of connection: My true self is too much, too messy, to show.
- A congregational leader comes home at the end of a hard day and self-soothes with something—food, drink, screens—that later doesn’t feel so good; instead of creating an opportunity for self-compassion, shame protects against the possibility of rest and repentance: How stupid of me to be stuck here again.
In simple terms, shame is the feeling that “I am bad.” We usually hold this in contrast to guilt which is the feeling that “I did something bad.” We have so many versions of unhealthy guilt in our world (i.e. holding ourselves to standards that aren’t realistic in the first place) that it’s easy to slip into shame, a feeling that often takes us out of the action rather than moving us to right action.
Is Shame Ever Useful? A Reflection from Dr. Jane Bo-Hyeong Lee, Clergy Health Researcher
Image
Shame—if it helps us recognize the broken areas of our lives—may not always be bad. When we notice our shame response and get curious about its origins, shame can sometimes be a first step toward identifying feelings of healthy guilt (i.e. “I did a bad thing and want to change”) and working towards healing, restoration, and reconciliation in our relationships. This kind of guilt doesn’t fester or freeze within the individual but instead propels us to move forward with courage and humility as we take our place in the greater family of living things. However, shame can often itself become the main focus, and instead of leading to healing, a burdensome shame may be more likely to condemn and isolate—giving us more reasons to hide than to walk as those redeemed. In other words, shame can serve as a sort of "check engine light" in our lives, but it is never meant to be the "whole operating system.”
So, what's the antidote? Try distanced self-talk.
So, what’s the antidote to shame? Self-compassion—which, according to Scripture, is the foundation of our ability to love others like ourselves. But the reverse can also be true—we can channel the love of others to learn to be kind to ourselves. But how do we do this? Allow us to share with you the (free and habit-forming!) evidence-based practice of “distanced self-talk.”
Distanced self-talk is a practice in which you address yourself as you would another person. This creates a healthy “psychological distance” from your first-hand experience of an emotion, so that you can respond as a second-hand (kinder, wiser) observer would. In his TED Talk, psychologist Ethan Kross describes how the practice can serve as a helpful remedy to Solomon’s Paradox—the phenomenon of giving great advice to other people but stumbling mightily to take our own!
What's more, according to twenty years of research from Kross’s Emotion and Self-Control Lab at Michigan State University, distanced self-talk can help in a variety of situations such as regulating your emotions and boosting your problem solving. It can also help reduce anxiety, improve performance, and lead to greater overall well-being.
Distanced self-talk only works, though, if you’re able to channel the voice of a “fierce friend.” (Talking to yourself as a critical parent or disinterested partner only compounds shame.) In this guided meditation, researcher Kristin Neff describes the voice of a fierce friend as someone who combines “strength with love,” who is “wise and all-knowing,” and who “sees you—your history, your patterns—clearly.” If it’s helpful, you might even think of this fierce friend like Jesus, the voice of truth and tenderness always within you.
Your Anger is Not Shameful: A Note to Marginalized Clergy from Rev. Dr. Fatimah Salleh, Clergy Health Researcher
Image
Marginalized folks like me are taught to feel the shame of others, but that shame is not ours to hold. For example, the “angry black woman” archetype—and its attending judgments—is meant to make me feel ashamed for being angry at the shameful offenses of others. But to be fully human is to feel that protective anger! And not let our anger be weaponized into a false guilt. So, this Lent, I want to encourage marginalized clergy to consider, What would it look like to shrug off the shame others have put on your shoulders simply because of the body you inhabit? There's liberation in the letting go. There’s an unapologeticness to the unshackling. Let go of the shame that was never yours to hold. Let it go so that we can be closer to the divine.
Self-compassion isn't the end but the means.
In a world that feels more divided every day, it’s important to remember that the purpose of self-compassion isn't just our own personal well-being. It’s about building up a muscle that can be aimed both inward and outward. In other words, self-compassion helps right-size our relationship to the world and compels us to right action in our small slice of it, because we are not ensnared in shame.
At the end of his own walk toward the cross, Jesus addressed his disciples as friends in a farewell address, pleading with them to “love one another as I have loved you” (John 15:12). Jesus modeled for us how to be a fierce friend to others—by tapping into the fierce agape love God has for us. Join us this Lent as we try to do the same and tap into less shame by regularly practicing the meditation below.
Your Serve Well Resource
A Self-Compassion Meditation with Jesus
Image
About Us
The Collaborative is a partnership between the Duke Clergy Health Initiative (CHI) and Duke Religion and Social Change Lab (RaSCL). CHI focuses on providing pastors with tools to improve their physical, emotional, and spiritual health, while RaSCL focuses on helping current and future faith leaders adapt to evolving times. Together, we serve those who want to serve well. Our work is made possible thanks to the generous time of our clergy and seminarian ministry partners and generous funding from The Duke Endowment. To stay informed of our latest research into ministry formation and flourishing, sign up to get our monthly Serve Well newsletter directly to your inbox.